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Hello, this is Tommy here. To those who could be arsed and moved their mouse, lift a finger and click the poll, thank you. Even if you did click the “Don’t give a monkey’s” button. Well it does appear around two thirds would like me to keep going with Twankers. That’s all very well, but i need to pay for butties and beer. Any brain waves in that department?!

Click play to hear Tommy’s Jingle. 

Tommy Twanker - Self Styled Social Media Guru

Hi! I’m Tommy Twanker, Social Media Guru. I’m here to help you with any questions you may have about social media, no matter how basic or complex. I’ll be able to give you an answer to any problem you may have. [Tommy is available for speaking and training: Interested parties should contact us at Twankers and have a nice big cheque ready.]

Please ask your questions below and please check the answers I have already given…you never know the answer you seek may have already been provided.

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33 Comments leave one →
  1. 17/03/2010 9:37 AM

    Tommy – as you probably know, I am repositioning myself from dull market researcher to exciting social media researcher guru but I’m really struggling with appropriate dress. My colleagues have done well to ditch the tie and corner the ‘smart casual’ look but I think I need something a little more edgy. What do you think?

    I’m not sure I can carry off anything too twanky so maybe somewhere between open shirt/ chinos and fluorescent T-shirts/ baggy jeans? Yours in need of a new SM wardrobe, Paul.

    • twankers permalink*
      17/03/2010 11:13 AM

      Paul, This is a quandary I found myself in a few years ago. “Edgy” is a good word to describe the look, however, it goes well beyond clothes. From recent events I’ve attended the real hardcore social media gurus have spent years perfecting the look from inside to out. The first thing is to get yourself at least 3 stone overweight (plenty of pies should help here) and grow a beard. The type that has about 3 inches in length and shaped into a point.

      Then select clothes from a “Big Man’s” type store, select baggy and very colourful T shirts, with a jacket which has the suede patches on the elbows. It’s stealing the geography teachers look, but implies you’re a bit of an academic and know what you’re talking about. For the bottom half, I’d recommend some baggy faded jeans (really cool) and some open toed sandals. To complete the look make sure you have dirty toe nails and smell a bit!

      Good luck. If you’d like to send us progress pictures, we’d happily feature them.

      I hope that helps. Tommy.

  2. 05/02/2010 3:58 PM

    Tommy, can you help a fair maiden in distress? What is the best way to Twitter via a Blackberry? I have heard Seesmic tops all. Are the rumours true? Thanks Zoe

    • twankers permalink*
      05/02/2010 4:05 PM

      Hi Zoe, I’m always willing to help a fair maiden. Are you sexy? Sorry, ignore that, very unprofessional of me. I assume you are talking about the Blackberry phone? The one that would really love to shake its “techy” image? You can see this by their recent advertising with all fancy shapes and colours saying “We’re not just for IT people you know!” But I digress. To be honest, I’ve never seen Mick top anyone, he’s a bit of a lightweight, but if there are rumours it would be good to hear the details. Anyway, to answer your question – The best way to add Twitter to your Blackberry is to buy an iPhone. I hope that helps….and I’ve become your knight in shining armour! Tommy.

      • 08/02/2010 9:40 AM

        Dear Tommy Twanker

        I would like to thank you for your helpful answer but unfortunately I can’t due to the following:

        a) I have an i-Phone
        b) My burdensome Blackberry was bestowed by said ‘techies’ at work
        c) My twitter account is purely professional

        I suggest that you read section Corporate Guidelines, point three, of your recently published Social Media Guidelines and look forward to receiving an appropriate answer that is reputable to your ‘He Knows’ status.

        Yours unsatisfied
        Zoe

        • twankers permalink*
          08/02/2010 10:27 AM

          Ah Zoe, the social media guidelines have just been passed my way. I hadn’t seen them previously, and all I can say is what a load of stuff and nonsense. I’m sexy, you’re sexy, it’s natural to flirt. Anyway, it sounds like you are one of many victims of corporate IT policy. When will these “techies” learn?! Next you’ll be telling me that they are making you use Windows and MS Office. That would be insane. I’m running dry on advice I’m afraid, but as a last resort please go to your IT Dept and tell them to stop playing Warcraft; have a wash; eat some fruit and then tell them to stick their blackberry where the sun doesn’t shine. As it’s a professional Twitter account, quite frankly, it will only cause pain and angst, so I’d forget about it. I hope that helps. Sir Tommy Lancelot Twanker.

  3. Barry Blagger permalink
    05/02/2010 3:55 PM

    Hi Tommy, I’m Barry Blagger and I’m a blogger. I’m struggling with adding a widget to my blog. I think it’s on Wordpad or Typepress. I’m not sure. Can you help?

    • twankers permalink*
      05/02/2010 3:58 PM

      Hello Barry Blagger, you blogger. Funny should ask this questions at this very moment. We’ve just posted our easy to follow guide on how to add a widget to any blog you want to. Please take a look. I’m confident it will solve your problem. Tommy

  4. Twinker permalink
    02/02/2010 3:09 PM

    Hey Tommy,

    I’m looking to start my career in social media, got any advice for a wannabe social media guru?

    – Twinker

    • twankers permalink*
      02/02/2010 3:28 PM

      Hey Twinker, thanks for your question. There is no better time to become a social media guru, such as myself, than right now. There are plenty of people who have elevated themselves to become involved in expert panels, speaking about social media and holding a somewhat “thought leadership” position in the industry. However, the vast majority appear to be clueless. (Check the tweets coming out of #smwldn.) So my advice is to read this site in its entirety; attend #measurementcamp and some #smwldn events; begin to use terms such as “awesome” and “big time”; once your confidence rises, start to talk over people and orate slightly louder than necessary; finally sprinkle a few crisps over your keyboard. If that doesn’t make you a social media guru, I don’t know what will. I hope that helps. Tommy.

      • Twinker permalink
        02/02/2010 4:07 PM

        Hi Twanker,

        Thanks for you inpiring pearls of wisdom, as a result of gone out and bought a packet of Cajun Squirrel flavoured crisps (by far Walkers’ most ‘awesome’ case study of a social media campaign) and placed the packet on my keyboard: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3629/3449979771_50e2cbebde_b.jpg

        Next stop the ‘Big Time’

        Thank You Twanker

        -Twinker

        • twankers permalink*
          02/02/2010 4:14 PM

          Excellent start, and a great choice of crisps. Nice picture….lots of buttons for those little blighters to navigate around. Good luck.

  5. 28/01/2010 9:23 AM

    Hi Tommy, I recently took over a national radio show, which is broadcasted to British people. (The guy before me got sacked as he was too loud and up his own jacksy). Anyway, we have set up the show on Twitter and this has been fairly successful. The problem is I can’t stop talking about it. Twitter this, Twitter that, it’s taking over my show and I don’t like it. What can I do? Lozza.

    • twankers permalink*
      28/01/2010 9:33 AM

      Hi Lozza, I think I know who you are. Are you a Maccam per chance? Anyway, your predicament is what this site is all about. You are very close to becoming a “Twanker” someone who talks about social media all the time, and uses social media to do it. i.e. I’m on Twitter talking about Twitter. The good thing is, you’re using the radio, so you’re only about 75% Twanker. The even better thing is your self awareness; you are conscious of the Twitter chatter, which means you can now address it. But how?! Here’s my remedy, it’ll probably take 21 days to work. Every time you wish to say “Twitter” replace it with the term “Daddio” or some other cool expression that is often used in the industry. This will find you curing the Twanker symptoms you are showing AND improving your DJ skills. Talking like a cat will also help. I hope that helps. Tommy.

  6. Lost permalink
    25/01/2010 1:24 PM

    Hey Tommy, Have you any idea where tomorrow’s (26th Jan 2010) #measurementcamp is? There’s a whole bunch of us who have no idea where to go. Will you be there? Lost.

    • twankers permalink*
      25/01/2010 1:29 PM

      Hello Lost, You’re not the very confusing “what the hell is going on” TV show are you? To answer your question, I have absolutely no idea!! If I did, I’d be there and would like to contribute in some way shape or form…maybe say “Google Alerts” a few times? Anyway good luck with finding the location. You could follow your nose!

      • twankers permalink*
        25/01/2010 2:35 PM

        Update on #measurementcamp location can be found here http://measurementcamp.wikidot.com/events. Enjoy it.

  7. Masher permalink
    25/01/2010 11:12 AM

    in response…have you read mashable recently?..as well as making it banal and self satisfied I’ve even employed this really ugly person (you know who i mean) who writes more boring stuff than me!

    i guess that’s my answer..i’m fucking hot..like Tom Jones with an Mac and an uncontended sdsl line!

    • twankers permalink*
      25/01/2010 11:22 AM

      Masher, thanks for coming back again. We’ve made a note that you have employed a number of ugly people recently and we’re just undertaking some psych0-analysis to ascertain what this means. Totally agree with you on the Tom Jones front…you don’t need to be beautiful to turn us on! Can you see what we did there?!

  8. Dominic permalink
    24/01/2010 8:27 PM

    Hi Tommy,

    I work for a national newspaper and the powers that be are adamant that we should start to charge our readers for content. But a lot of us aren’t so sure, as we think this will cause our site visitors to go elsewhere. What do you think?

    Thanks Dominic

    • twankers permalink*
      24/01/2010 8:43 PM

      Dominic, Or can I call you Domster? To most of us “guru’s” in the industry we’re somewhat baffled by this stance, and would agree with you that it will turn your online readers away. We know that online advertising isn’t bringing home the bacon like it used to; but surely there are other ways to monetise your online presence instead of charging for content. Have you considered getting rid of all the hangers on and running the newspaper like a proper online organisation? You can have that one for free.

  9. 21/01/2010 1:04 PM

    Hi Tommy, great picture! I run a PR Agency and we’ve been really successful over the last 10 years and can boast an impressive client list. However, just recently, we’ve been asked by some of our larger clients about social media! To be honest, we don’t really have a clue and usually appease them by going out to lunch and drinking too much wine. I say things like “online press release” but feel I could say some much better things. Please can you help. Henrietta.

    • twankers permalink*
      21/01/2010 1:15 PM

      Henrietta…to quote Corporal Jones “Don’t panic!” You’re not the first PR person to ask me such a question. The comforting thing to know is many PR Agencies are in a similar position. So, you’re well placed to start to use some “bamboozling” social media terms. Here’s a few – Start with the generic “Online PR” then introduce terms like “Twitter”, “Technorati Ranking” (that’s always a good one) and “@mentions” and finally “Re-tweets”. Next time you’re at lunch you can then say something like “Our Online PR will ensure you get coverage on Twitter, receiving many @Mentions, Retweets, and also achieve a high Technorati ranking.” Your client is guaranteed to nod knowingly, without the faintest idea of what you’re talking about, but won’t want to let on. Result: Client retained for at least the next 12 months. Good luck. Tommy

  10. MAsher permalink
    21/01/2010 12:19 PM

    Hi Tommy,

    I run a really succesful blog (and i mean REALLY successful)..the problem is, I’m pretty sexy and i’m worried that all my followers on twitter are just following me because of extreme hotness rather than my incredible (and very succesful blog full of thought leaders) blogging prowess….what shall I do?

    • twankers permalink*
      21/01/2010 12:30 PM

      Hello MAsher, (Or should I call you Pete? There’s no fooling old Tommy boy!) As you can see from my picture, I’m pretty sexy too, so I can empathise with you completely. Here’s what I’d do – Inform all of your thought leaders (that includes yourself) to start writing complete and utter nonsense. I mean, really crap stuff! If your content is still being re-tweeted like crazy and your followers don’t decline, you have your answer. It’s your Hotness. Next action is to grow your hair; eat a lot of pies and wear flares. This should then place a focus back on the content your blog provides. I hope that helps. Tommy.

      • lakeley permalink
        30/01/2010 3:43 PM

        omg! Amazingly clever but funny stuff 🙂 This comment has certainly slapped a great big smile on my chops 😀

        • twankers permalink*
          31/01/2010 10:22 PM

          Thank you very much. Just going to give ourselves a thumbs up in the mirror.

  11. 21/01/2010 10:33 AM

    Hi Tommy, I think I’ve made a bit of a boo boo. I run one of the UK’s leading digital industry forums and we have recently decided to unfollow 19,000 followers on twitter. It hasn’t gone down well, and we have basically admitted we don’t have the time or resource to manage our Twitter channel effectively. How can I recover from this situation? Ashton.

    • twankers permalink*
      21/01/2010 10:43 AM

      Hello Ashton. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. What have you done!! My advice is to contact each and every one of those 19,000 people personally and apologise. Hopefully, given time, they will begin to forgive you. Good luck. Tommy.

  12. 21/01/2010 10:26 AM

    Hey Tommy, This is great, just what I’ve been looking for. I started tweeting a few days ago. Unfortunately, and I have no idea why, I am fairly popular and I brought Twitter down to it’s knees (Ha ha ha! My plan worked!! I can now buy them for much less having proven their flakiness) due to the rush of followers. Tommy, please can you advise me on how to become less popular? Many thanks, Bill

    • twankers permalink*
      21/01/2010 10:41 AM

      Hi Bill. I know what you mean. Being too popular can be a real inconvenience. Here’s what worked for me; I started to ignore people on Twitter and began to broadcast “life quotes” (I bought a quotations book) every couple of hours. Hey presto, my followers began to disappear. If that doesn’t work for you, have you considered setting up a rubbish software company? Tommy.

Trackbacks

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